me kay cooke

Percy Manages Metaphor

Percy explained that he had been getting angry with people at work.


As manager of a team, he needed his people to follow instruction and deliver results. The trigger to his getting angry was people not doing what he had asked of them which led to increasing frustration, which then led to anger. Underpinning his anger was something of high value to him – feeling understood.


We discovered this through a coaching exercise to elicit his ‘core values’ which are very personal feelings, so important to us deep down, they drive our behaviours. We all hold different core values (although there are many similar ones) and of course our priorities continually shift and change depending on contexts.


Percy’s list of core values included:


  • feeling understood
  • feeling connected to important people in his life
  • feelings of responsibility and trust that he got from work


These are important drivers of personal motivation.


Unfortunately, when Percy didn’t get the results from his staff that he wanted/needed/anticipated, it agitated something of great importance to him i.e. feeling understood. And when he didn’t feel understood, he sub-consciously felt like something important had been taken away from him, triggering a stress response.


Until our session, Percy’s strategy for dealing with feelings of frustration (which turned to anger), had been to judge/blame the incompetence of others. We discussed the limitations of that strategy as an inefficient management tool and went on to develop a new strategy for getting staff to understand him better and therefore help them deliver the results he asked for.


We worked through a recent example of asking a member of staff to tidy up the staff room. He had said “please can you tidy up the staff room?” the staff member had said “yes”. Percy returned the next day to a room that to him, looked no different. He was furious.





TELL THEIR BRAIN WHAT YOU WANT e.g. “I want you to tidy up the staff room.” Avoid the closed question ‘can you’ and rather than say ‘please’, say ‘thank you’ (this tells their brain it’s a non negotiable task).


ASK YOURSELF IF WHAT YOU ARE ASKING THEM TO DO IS ENTIRELY WITHIN YOUR CONTROL and when the answer is no (since it involves someone else) – switch into negotiation and motivation skills e.g. remember that people are motivated by things of value and so If you want to motivate them – attach the task (tidy the room) to something of value to them e.g. money (“our bonus might depend on impressing the auditor who visits tomorrow and a tidy staff room will help impress”).


DO THEY HAVE THE RESOURCES THEY NEED to complete the task? Do they know where to find them? Remember to include the resource of time and get agreement on the timeframe e.g. “can we agree that you have this done by 2pm?”


CAN YOU IMAGINE THE SUCCESSFUL OUTCOME? Yes? Now you have to help them to imagine and understand the pictures and sounds inside your imagination! Get specific – help them to see/hear/feel/smell/taste the outcome you desire – clarify their understanding. Or even provide a list of actions you are thinking about. Avoid ambiguity.


ECOLOGY – could you, they or anyone else be harmed by the goal? If the answer is ‘no’ then you’re all good to go!


Metaphor for Percy – Life is like a game of chess!

When you are the queen on a chess board you get to be creative, flexible and always find a way to move around the game. A good manager could be considered majestic. A poor manager on the other hand, is like a pawn; always making the same moves with limited results.


Managing this metaphor enabled Percy to transform old frustrations into new opportunities to be a more influential manager, thus getting and giving more of the thing he valued – understanding.


NB Percy’s Metaphor is based on one of essential epistemological presuppositions of NLP The Law of Requisite Variety which states that the part of the system (system’s theory) with the most flexibility will be the catalytic element within the system – like the queen in a game of chess.


queen is most flexible player
game of chess is a metaphor for life

Stanley Tool Kit


Stanley arrived for his first coaching session as a miserable, middle aged, middle manager with a mind full of dread at the thought of going into the office to work each day.
Breakfasts were a torture ground of intense imagination where, he visualised each day ahead as a nightmare to avoid. Unsurprisingly most days in the office delivered much of what he feared, thus confirming his thinking bias. He felt hopeless.

An hour later and Stanley left the room with a spring in his step. A week later he emailed to say work life was much improved and, he’d taught his 14 year old son the same mind trick that he’d been practicing, with astonishing results.

Stanley’s process of generative change

“What do you want Stanley?” I asked as we began our first session of NLP coaching.
“What would you most like to see/hear/feel that would let you know you’d found a solution?”

“I need to improve my social skills” Stanley stated factually.
“And what would that do for you?” I wondered.
“I’d get on better with people in my office” he replied.
“What has stopped you getting on better with the people in your office?” I asked.
“I feel judged” he said.

A few ‘stories’ later, Stanley had loosened up a bit, we had laughed at the Iron Man suit he would like to have had in his wardrobe.

“So what feeling do you want instead?” I enquired.

“I want to feel less miserable, less stressed, less anxious.”

Stanley soon discovered this non brain friendly language confused his mind because the picture his brain created, still contained images of being stressed. In trying to drive his attention ‘away from’ feeling stressed, he had to keep looking back over his shoulder at the thing he was trying to avoid.

So we flipped the language into ‘calm confidence’ – a goal that his brain could aim itself towards, simply and clearly, feeling strong and resilient regardless of the behaviours and words of people around him.

The secret mind trick Stanley would later teach his son, was learning how to change the pictures and sounds inside his mind, changing the way he felt and therefore changing what he could do. Submodality algorithms are only limited by the creativity of the mind in charge.

Discovering he had a control panel for both ‘pictures’ and ‘sounds’ that could make him feel better or worse on purpose, was earth shattering for Stanley. “Why?” He asked “Why didn’t I know how to do this before now?”

I wondered if he could imagine a future where children are taught these tools routinely, at school. He could, I can, can you?





Lonely Lana Changes Her Mind

Good quality thinking generates good feelings which bring choices in what you do.

14 year old Lana was fed up of feeling left out of a group of girls at her new school.

Moving schools can be tough at any age and Lana, one term in, was yearning for the feelings she used to associate with her old group of pals.


In truth she still saw the old gang socially and had actually been quite unhappy with them too, but somehow her brain started having her recall the past friendships as much better than the reality had been.


The new girl group was tight which she believed meant they had all been friends since being small; compounding her feelings that it was impossible for her to become a part of them. She came to see me asking for help with ‘social exclusion’.


We established that a couple of girls in the group were being especially kind and friendly towards her but this didn’t seem to satisfy Lana’s needs of belonging to the main group and she found herself:


  1. Dismissive of the presenting opportunity to forge new friendships; looking beyond the friendly girls, keeping her sights fixed firmly on the big group.
  2. She had begun fantasising the old school friendship group was perfect despite this contradicting previous session discussions.
  3. She felt she had lost something of great value i.e. being at the centre of a group of friends. and forgetting the friendship problems previous encountered
  4. She had interpreted the body language of certain group members as meaning they didn’t want to include her.
  5. She felt awkward and self conscious.



To help her to understand the mind mechanics of think-feel-do we started by exploring her feelings:


FEELINGS  self-conscious and awkward around new girl group.


BEHAVIOUR withdrawing/wanting to withdraw from the group’s periphery.

SENSES Perceived the group was unsure about her unpredictable behaviour and viewing her with suspicion.


THINKING which meant they don’t like her.


FEELINGS feeling lonely and sad.Then angry and frustrated when she realised her thoughts and behaviours had been contributing to the situation.


Lana was about to discover the key to her happiness was to realise that ‘something’ triggered the feelings, and that something was her thinking patterns.

Trigger thoughts included:

“Making new friends is hard work and tiring”

“Belonging to a big group is important”

“Real friends listen to me and I can say anything to them”

“My old friends were ideal”

“I miss my old friends”


Those thoughts triggered the feel-bad strategy to start running in a loop:

THOUGHT triggers FEELING influencing BEHAVIOUR.



Lana’s friendship goal had been to be popular amongst a large group of girls. Yet, she could never control a goal that requires other people to change. Trying to do that had been exhausting and frustrating, wasting energy and leading to disappointment in others and feelings of unhappiness.



How to help Lana to amend her friendship goal to feeling relaxed and authentic around new people; interested in them and having fun = getting to be in charge of the goal.


Not only could she control this goal, she would actually reinforce some self esteem through achievement like having fun (rather than eroding self esteem by setting goals that could never be achieved).


Getting Lana to change her thinking would in turn drive new feelings and therefore change how she behaved. Change the thinking is key – it puts her back in control:



We explored changing the ‘trigger thoughts’ by imagining that she had lost all her friendship memories – all of them (good or bad). Then imagine herself pitching up at school, relaxed, fresh, looking for fun people to get to know and generally feel happy. She was sure she’d feel happy in this scenario.



SO that tells her the obstacle to feeling those natural responses (relaxed, fresh, looking for fun people to get to know and generally feel happy) had been her trigger thoughts which had simply habituated.



How to un-habituate the thoughts?

We decided to take the approach of catching them – the thoughts and become aware that they are not truths, just patterns of rehearsed brainwaves and neuro chemistry.


And challenge her own thinking like expanding all the reasons why someone might have ‘closed’ body language. We drew up a list: cold, unwell, feeling scared, worried etc until Lana accepted that she could never really know what another person was really thinking or feeling.


But if she thought the closed body language meant they didn’t like her … guess what? She now had a ‘trigger thought’ to run a feel-bad strategy.


We explored new mind experiments to discover just how much influence she really has over her thinking and feeling. Concluding:




  • Everyone is unique, some people talk more than they listen, others listen more than they talk.
  • Friendships groups are dynamic which means people come and go, behaviours shift and change, feelings rise and fall.
  • Individual friendships are easiest to build.
  • Being interested in someone is the best friendship gift you can give.
  • Value the good friendship skills experienced at the previous school.
  • Remember what she is gaining (not feeling that something has been lost).




  • Balloon Breathing & Balancing Body & Mind activities
  • Keep a diary of things she is grateful for (at least 3 each day) to train her brain to build new thinking lines in her mind.
  • Look at the friendship group through new eyes – ‘what she likes to see, hear, do with the girls’.
  • Keep a diary of what life skills she is gaining each dayg. tolerance, acceptance, curiosity.




  • Friendships are dynamic.
  • Resilient thinking enables children and young adults to make new thinking, feeling and behavioural connections.
  • Next generation mind mechanics are key to thriving.


More Simple Motivation

Good quality thinking generates good feelings which bring choices in what you do.

When you feel you have choice you are more likely to feel motivated.

Let’s look at what happens when you focus on long-term goals and feeling good when planning (e.g. being a strong, healthy sportsperson, or having many study choices at university) keeps your motivation steady, which enables you to take feedback from the past performances to feed forward and make adjustments for the next time. We call this continual improvement.


The benefit of this kind of motivation ‘strategy’ is it brings feelings of excitement, curiosity and determination because you know you have lots of potential to discover. These feelings are nice and help you build confidence so you keep exploring new ways to improve.



Now let’s look at what happens when you only focus on a short term goals (e.g. winning a sports game or getting good marks in a subject test) which can highly motivate you – only if you think you can win, but can also quickly de-motivate you if you think you might lose.



The trouble with this kind of motivation ‘strategy’ is it can leave you feeling very disappointed at a ‘loss’. Those feelings (sad or angry) aren’t nice to handle and you are more likely to ‘avoid’ future situations that feel bad.

This can easily lead to de-motivation.


Poor quality thinking leads to variable feelings which can result in poor motivation.

Molly finds a formula to improve her French

10 year old Molly explained that her French language grades at school were falling fast but she didn’t really care. She was not feeling motivated to make any effort in this subject.


She had decided learning French was of no interest to her since she didn’t want to become a French teacher when she grew up. It seemed that simple. Her ‘off’’ power-switch thinking told her “it’ll be boring”.


On the other hand, Molly made a huge effort to learn science. Her ‘on’ power-switch thinking told her “this will be interesting”.


I wondered if her thinking was in fact, a bit like a science formula:



“It’ll be boring” > feeling uncomfortable > no effort.

“It’ll be interesting” > feeling inspired > effort.


Molly’s ‘thinking’ conversations inside her mind, sounded something like this:

QUESTION: “why should I have to learn French?”

ANSWER: “it’s not going to be useful to me”


QUESTION: “why should I learn science?”

ANSWER: “it’s going to be useful to me”


We called the answers ‘judgement’ that helped her decide where and where not, to place her attention and effort. Her judgements were based on remembering her past experiences rather than thinking ahead to her future choices.


We chatted about developing a champion mindset, and researched real champions like Einstein, Da Vinci, and Tesla, who shared at least three characteristics:


  1. They used visualisation to explore what they might be able to see, hear and feel in the future.
  2. They had an attitude of curiosity about everything in the world around them and just kept exploring everything, which in turn expanded their thinking into genius minds.
  3. They cooperated with others to learn and achieve more.


Could Molly imagine keeping her mindset open and expanding?

Did she know yet what her own potential is for a champion/genius brain?


Would she like to learn how to develop this?


If so, we’d need to adjust her current strategy for motivation and begin to make a few changes. This is of course, what smart learners of all ages, do.


I wondered about the science of thought experiments and what would happen if she explored a different kind of question and answer in all her classes.


Perhaps she could start by discovering what happened when she changed the question inside her mind:

OLD QUESTION: “why should I learn French or Science?”

NEW QUESTION “how easily can I learn this (subject) whilst enjoying it and having fun?”


And then change the answer:

OLD ANSWER (attitude of judgement) : “it’s either useful to me or not”.

NEW ANSWER (attitude of curiosity) : “I wonder what is possible for me to learn with my brilliant brain?”


Perhaps Molly hadn’t, until now, realised how smart people (lawyers, surgeons, politicians etc) had studied many brain-balancing subjects all at the same time, including maths, sciences, creative arts, sports and languages. That way they had kept their options open and expanded their whole brain capabilities.


So we looked at a new formula for her to think through:




“HOW EASILY can I do this?”

“HOW MUCH FUN can I have doing this?”

“WHAT is possible for me to learn today?”

“WHAT is my potential for champion/genius mindset?”


NEW FEELINGS – we wondered which ones would she notice first:

Motivated, curious, open minded, interested, fun.


NEW BEHAVIOURS – we wondered which ones would surprise her most:

Focused attention, cooperation with others, listening to inner genius and listening to others’ experiences, asking questions to self (e.g. “what am I capable of?”) and asking questions to others (“please can you help me?”), visualising yourself doing these things easily and having fun.


Molly’s interest in science can help her to realise that these experiments have no right or wrong outcome, they simply expand her capabilities in thinking, feelings and behaviours. The champion mindset!


Today’s tip is about developing a champion mindset in this case, while playing a sport. We’re going to use the example of tennis but the mindset applies to all sports.


This is based on a real coaching session with an 11-year-old girl.


It may be helpful for any young person at school as well as any adult looking to brain train for success.


Why is a champion mindset important?

Have you ever experienced thoughts like:

I’m not as good as before”

“I’m not as good as him or her”

“I’m going to lose this (match)”


Because this type of thinking can make you feel disappointed, which in turn can lead to you not performing as well. This is called de-motivation and it doesn’t feel good does it?


Do you remember that time you really wanted to win a match/situation (your goal), and as soon as you realised you couldn’t win the match/situation (couldn’t achieve your goal), you felt disappointed with your performance?


When you feel de-motivated, it feels bad doesn’t it, and also affects your whole performance.


The good news is that when you develop a different ‘mindset’ like one that champion sports people use – you get to stay feeling motivated.


It’s all about changing the goal, and here’s how to do it.


A new mindset strategy

First of all, know the difference between a short-term goal and a long-term goal.


A short-term goal might be to eat a snack because you’re hungry, whereas a long-term goal might be to have a healthy body.


If you only focus on the short-term goal i.e. to satisfy hunger, you could easily eat lots of unhealthy foods every time. This may be OK in the short term, but can have disastrous long-term consequences for health. People who teach their brains to only pay attention to short-term goals often forget the really important future person they want to be.


So you can see that ‘winning the tennis match’ is a short-term goal. It is a useful short-term goal so long as you also have a strategy to stay motivated and feeling great so you perform at your best and we can call this your champion’s mindset.


Using this champion’s mindset, you don’t let feelings of disappointment de-motivate you. Instead you learn how world-class sportspeople stay motivated and start to train your mind to think like them.


How world-class sportspeople stay motivated is by believing in ‘continual improvement, which means they keep asking themselves “how much can I improve my performance?” rather than “how can I win the match”.


A great question to ask yourself is “just how well can I play next time?” or even more important “how much fun can I have playing tennis next time?”


Having fun creates powerful brain chemistry that helps you learn faster and more easily.


Let’s look at taking feedback from the last performance and feeding it forwards into the next performance.


Mental rehearsal is key

Using your imagination – on purpose – is a really smart way to imporove your performance and success. Developing your mind’s eye through the skill of visualisation (I call it Imagineering) will really help you learn and revise at school and become a better performer in all areas of life, including sport.


Here’s how: Close your eyes and imagine yourself playing your next sports match (or other performance).

See yourself performing effortlessly and easily moving your body around the court, pitch or track and if you’re playing tennis, notice how you serve and return with absolute precision.


Now use your imagination to become that future you and what do you see? What do you hear as the ball rebounds perfectly from the centre of your racquet? How does it feel when your muscles and joints are smooth and powerful?


This is a mental rehearsal for a short-term goal. It sets your brain towards a useful target, which is, to get better at playing tennis.


Where else might this be useful?

There are so many ways you can use this strategy, perhaps you can think of some right now?


Let’s look at going to sleep at night.


The long-term goal is to be healthy, alert and full of energy.


The short-term goal is to wake up each morning feeling refreshed.


What could stop you doing this? Mind clutter! Lots of thoughts bouncing around inside your brain!


So use your imagination to mentally rehearse the short-term goal by imagining a cool, blue mist beginning to rise up inside your mind, slowly dissolving away each of the ‘mind chatter’ words. Notice how it swirls and hear the sounds as each words dissolves. Feel the coolness and refreshing mist spread calmness throughout your resting body.



What next?

There are many ways you can develop your champion mindset including:

  • Asking yourself ‘good and useful questions’ to achieve your goals
  • Taking more tips from world class performers
  • Dealing with feedback from others
  • Switching off unhelpful mind chatter
  • Developing your Imagineering skills


These are my ideas – what do you think we should talk about next time?


One last thing – remember:

“Whatever you are practice, you get good at” so the more you are practising this new strategy, the more you are improving your thoughts, feelings and performance.


Until next time – remember Happy Brain – where you learn about your thinking, learn about your feelings and learning how to drive your happy brain!

NLP First Aid

As first ‘mum’ into the emergency room following a car crash involving my son and his two mates, I was fortunately able to quickly know that (despite blood and bruising) my son was going to be OK. However it was also apparent that one of the other boys (Chris) was in quite a bad way.
Eventually, Chris was left alone for a few moments, stabilised, in a semi conscious state.  At that time, his relatives were still unaware of his situation, and I asked permission to go into his cubicle with the intention of retrieving his mobile phone to call his family. Chris was clearly scared and distressed, trying desperately to make sense of the situations and things he had heard, felt and seen regarding his injuries.
Chris had long been a regular guest in our home and I knew him well and I quickly had to realise my immediate choices:
1. I could stay focused on the task of retrieving the phone and leave him to his mind’s distortions of what was happening to him and what he had overheard the medics discussing.
2. I could become emotionally involved in my own drama of the experience. 
3. I could dissociate enough to utilise the NLP & NHR skill set that I know can bring about instant and amazing results.
I chose the latter.
As is so often the way when we operate through unconscious competence within the other person’s map of the world, it’s hard to recall specifics, but I can share some key NLP first aid points that noticeably improved Chris’s state:
Neuro – generating my own strong internal state of calm, confident energy re-assured his unconscious mind, as did pacing and leading his breathing.
Linguistic –  utilising Milton Model language patterns to inoculate against and temporally shift his rising panic, whist stacking presuppositions of his recovery (when you/as you/because/the first thing …). 
Programming – quickly ascertaining how he was stressing himself in order to swiftly interrupt those patterns, re-frame his panic and re-direct his attention.
The truth is that within a few minutes, his essential monitor readings, at least the ones I could track, such as oxygen level, heart rate and blood pressure, (luckily I had previously worked in health assessment) improved significantly.  Enough for me to return to the task in hand; ringing his parents. 
Shortly after that, I overheard a medic asking an old lady (also involved in the accident) in the adjacent cubicle ‘how is your pain?
Just stop and think about that for a moment – her attention was being directed to how much pain she was experiencing. And notice the presupposition (powerful hypnotic language) that the pain belonged to her.  
Words are powerful and the way that these subtly different words land on your neurology, shifts your experience. It is not rocket science and, for example, if you say ‘this’ pain or ‘that’ pain, which feels more real and close up? Consider the differing impacts of these commonly heard questions: 
* “How is ‘this’ pain?”
* “How is ‘that’ pain?”
* “How is ‘the’ pain?”
* “how is ‘your’ pain?”
There are many reasons that I am grateful to have learned the discipline and art of the Bandler Technologies, and this real life story illustrates yet another. All boys were released from hospital within a week and made full recoveries.
This actually happened several years ago and I have previously written about it. Yet it seems particularly relevant in this world of uncertainty, where we see and hear of terrible emergency situations beyond that which might be deemed an accident.
What are your NLP skills? Could they improve? Have you considered the contents of your own personal NLP First Aid Kit? It’s something I teach and believe to be an essential core skill.
If you are interested in developing your NLP skills or learning NLP anew, contact me to discover what we offer, from free taster sessions to bespoke applications, to full training and certification.
Next free taster: August 11th in Hexham.
Next Practitioner training: Starts September 7th

The Matter Of Respect

Did you know we each have an inbuilt ‘respect-o-meter’ inside our minds? It’s a filter that measures and monitors how we deal with the matter of respect.


My professional ‘respect-o-meter’ red flags whenever I hear the notion of ‘respect/disrespect’ connected to someone’s unhappiness.


Taking a cursory glance at dictionary definitions of the words respect and disrespect, we can see them being used as both nouns and verbs.


Respect: Admiration for qualities, skills, achievements, and regard for the thing or person’s wishes or rights.


Disrespect: No admiration for qualities, skills, achievements, and no regard for the thing or person’s wishes or rights.


That seems pretty fair and clear doesn’t it?


How do you ‘do’ respect?

For me, I am aware that I deeply respect some things and many people; I also disrespect other things and certain people. Of course they do not need to know my perspective since it’s mine, from me, for me, by me.


Yet so often we hear people complaining about the issue of respect as if ‘respect’ is a commodity to trade with:

“Show me respect”

“You should respect me/him/her/it”

“S/he is so disrespectful”

“I deserve more respect”


In order for these statements to even make sense we have to assume we know what is meant about the commodity being traded i.e. what is meant by that person when they discuss ‘respect’.


NLP teaches us good quality detective work (Meta Model) to move from our assumption (that we know what someone means) to clarity of meaning.


Typical questions I hold in my mind as I seek to understand:


  • What is this person’s measurement of giving and receiving ‘respect/disrespect’?
  • Do they believe it’s possible to earn ‘respect/disrespect’?
  • When and where might ‘respect’ be expected or even demanded?
  • How is it possible for them to be offended by a lack of respect from another source?
  • How is their self-respect altered by incoming or outgoing respect?
  • Why is there a difference between the noun (have respect) and the verb (respecting)?



NLP begins with a well-formed goal because one person can only have rules and ambitions for themselves. Trying to force respect is asking someone to act differently, without negotiation, which is not only trespass and conflict inducing; it’s also quite disrespectful!






Melissa’s Magic Mirrors

  • Do you ever feel under pressure from the outside world?
  • Do you feel anxious around specific people, or in a particular place?
  • Would you like to feel more resilient and confident?



Many people find Melissa’s Magic Mirrors a great way to deal with bullies. You teach yourself how to feel stronger and more resilient when people around you appear threatening.

This exercise is designed for children and adults and can be adapted to suit the individual – so do bespoke it!

Melissa (officinalis) is a (clinically proven) strengthening herb commonly known as Lemon Balm – more about it later.

Magic Mirrors have been used throughout history, all across the world, to deflect bad spirits and direct lightness into the environment. How many mirrors can you find within the your personal or working environment? What effect do you perceive they have?


Melissa’s Magic Mirrors – Here’s How

IMAGINE you are surrounded by a bright lemon coloured cloud or mist. Yellow is a colour often associated with inner power. Have it swirl around you in an anti-clockwise direction growing up from beneath your feet and making a swirl-knot above your head.

Now be sure to make this cloud appear transparent, which means you get to see out through it and look into the world around you. See what happens when you imagine someone looking at you only to see the yellow mist, it might make you giggle.

When visualising this lemony yellow mist, imagine what it feels like (what’s the temperature of your mist?) or sound like, and how do the sensations change when you swirl it faster or slower – which swirl speed helps you feel stronger?

As you take a big, deep breath in through your nose, imagine the yellow mist flows down inside your lungs and when you breathe out slowly and fully, let begin to expand the yellow cloud surrounding you.

Once you have mastered the swirling yellow mist, you are ready to add the extra layer of protection with magic mirrors – lots of outward facing mirrors. Perhaps your mirrors will all be the same size and shape, or maybe different sizes and shapes. Once you have designed the outer mirror shields, go ahead and put them in place.

When you have installed the magic mirrors all around you – facing outwards, any ‘mean or hurtful words’ will simply start to bounce off the mirrors and reflect straight back to the people saying them.

Some people find it quite fun to visualise the hurtful words like word-arrows shooting back at the bully, whilst others imagine the word-arrows bouncing around in the air, all out of control.

Listen for the imaginary sounds of the word-arrows pinging around.

Now check to discover where in your body do you feel most confident? Perhaps it’s your shoulders, or your back? Maybe it’s somewhere else?


A bit more about confidence:

Anecdotes provide compelling evidence for the success potential of this visualisation and its ability to boost self-esteem and a sense of control.


A bit more about Melissa: 

We like a plant called lemon balm who’s formal name is Melissa officinalis. We call her Melissa for short. Melissa helps you feel confident, uplifted, as well as calm and with less anxious feelings. She has heart shaped leaves and tiny white flowers. Her lemony aroma and flavour also keeps bees calm.


Information for teachers and parents:

Science shows the phyto-chemistry of lemon balm is clinically proven in humans to induce calm, lower anxiety, agitation and restlessness, relieve pain (headaches), colic and palpitations (jumpy heart beat), improve memory and help with concentration, as well as treat addiction.

 It works by increasing the effects of our brain inhibitor (calming) signal GABA, but also works on the brain attention signal (acetylcholine). It’s also gut calming (spasmolytic) and sleep inducing (sedative) as well as anti-viral/bacterial/fungal.

 Our favourite way to take lemon balm is a fresh or dried leaf tea, hot or cold. It makes delicious ‘lemonbalmade’ by adding lemon juice and honey, and can be used in salads, soups, sauces and seafoods but not necessarily at medicinal dose level. Lotions made using its essential oil will be more effective (but it’s one of the most expensive so beware adulterated products).

Safety: Lemon balm is one of the safest medicinal plants; side effects are not reported, widely recommended for children.

Always consult a registered medical herbalist & inform your healthcare practitioner before taking or giving a child any herb medicinally. And be sure of the identity of your plant.


Partners in Wellbeing for facts and science about safe plants for brain boosting and mind coaching/brain training: |

Integrity Within The Model (top tip for NLPers)

“She told me I was better than Tony Robbins” he said.

“(Better) at what?” I enquired.

“Making her feel fantastic” he smiled.

“So how did you do that? I asked (the NLPer)

“She just has to think of me and she feels amazing” he replied.

“But surely her dependency on you for fantastic feelings, contravenes our NLP ethics of a client’s ‘freedom’ of thought, emotion and behaviour?” I challenged.

“I have a special gift, and I can make you feel fantastic too” he offered.

“I gotta go feed the dogs” I retreated, thinking he sounded like a pawn on a chessboard – limited by single units of behaviour for his own feel good.


Have you ever have conversations like this? Where a person’s personality ‘needs’ (e.g. to feel important) are apparently more important than the skills available.


Can we do more to promote integrity when working with clients? Do we need to pay more respect to the reputation of our NLP profession?


History is littered with macabre anecdotes of people using their skills for personal gain across a myriad of professions. Can integrity be taught? I believe so and I believe it starts with increasing self-consciousness. Which is what we help our clients to do, only how many NLPers apply to self first? I wonder.


So you know you’ve got good NLP skills right?

And yet professionally, you’ve probably experienced strong emotional reactions to certain situations/people? Probably you didn’t get the best result because your personality hijacked you in some way.


Maybe you gave a presentation and ‘needed’ everyone to love your performance, leaving you vulnerable to frowning faces.

Perhaps you tried to ‘rescue’ a client by providing your (ill fitting) solution for them, leaving you frustrated by their lack of change.

Or have you ever found yourself sitting in judgment or even getting angry with a client? I certainly have.


Since a skilled NLPer feasts on feedback, reflecting on both process and outcome of client work is key and taking a Meta position helps evaluate both self and others (suggest using neurological levels as an evaluation tool).

The Law of Requisite Variety (key NLP presupposition) states that a brain with the most neuronal connections will have the most (thinking, feeling, behavioural) flexibility, just like the queen on a chess board, most powerful because she can move in many directions, unlike said pawn.


Think Meta again.


What are the structures of integrity?

Humans are primarily motivated by ‘what’s in it for me’ which makes the Ancient Greek aphorism ‘know thyself’ important, unless you are happy leaving your unknown, unconscious drivers in charge.


At the very least be clear about 3 things:

  • Is what I want to have happen in this situation ‘well formed’?
  • Is there conflict between my personality needs (approval, attachment, validation, security, certainty (right/wrong), etc) and the stated goal of my client?
  • How am I benefitting from this situation (money, experience, research etc or personality needs)?


At first, you may wish to reject your insights when answering these questions, until you realise there is nothing to judge or fear. Instead, by bringing your consciousness into your own deeper structures, you remove cognitive dissonance; gain self-esteem as well as clarity of the processes that enhance your work.


I suggest that before we ‘help’ other people, there are smart conversations to be had with oneself – the Meta Model becoming a mighty tool for self-awareness and not just for gathering information from the deeper structures of other people’s minds.